Thursday, January 5, 2012

Honey, I'm home.

Well hello there blogspot you old devil. It has been a while. I am sure my regular Russian readers have been tearing at their ushankas in desperation to read of my life again. It is ok though. I am back. You can pull the fork out the toaster, put the noose back on the night-stand and settle on down to read more about my wild, crazy lifestyle. Since my last post there has been a strange turn of events. For the last few weeks I have been genuinely busy..and not that kind of busy you say that you are to excuse yourself from doing your work or talking to that person who that you are kind of friends with but not so much that you actually want to spend more than five minutes with at one time. Over the next few weeks I will probably be posting spontaneous blogposts with not a care in the world for chronological documentation as I begin to remember the things that have occurred in the last few weeks.  Prepare yourself for the ride of a lifetime.

Since school ended I have been to Toronto, Niagara Falls and Miami, but I know nobody really wants to hear about of that mundane business so I thought that first I would tell you about my first experience of finals at Canada. The word 'Finals' sounded fairly ominous and I have to say I was a little fearful of them at first. I had clearly forgotten that I was in Canada. We were told to arrive at least half an hour before the exam. Foolishly I thought that this would mean that the prof would also be arriving half an hour before the exam, but apparently that was a foolish assumption as my teacher rolled on in with about 5 minutes to spare. How I laughed? The wait wouldn't have been so bad if I didn't have to listen to other people from my class around me. One woman (and I mean woman. She like 40) was stressing loudly and the man (again. He like 40) said to her "Why are you worrying. You know you'll do well." Her response "Well yeah  of course I know I'll do well." I'm sure it isn't the same for all mature students, but most of the ones I have experienced here seem to think they run the place. They don't. I do. If you think you know it all already then why bother?

Anyway, after I crawled out of the pit of disdain which had formed around me I shimmied on into the exam. The exam itself was pretty much ok. I got an A- and I didn't feel like I overstretched myself in terms of revision. In my exam(s) I did find myself getting pretty distressed though. Both my exams were 3 hours long - in my American Lit I had 2 essays and 5 text identifications and in my French exam I had 2 essays. In American Lit I was happily writing along and about half way through my 1st essay when someone headed on up to the front with their exam sheet. At first I thought they were just heading of for some mid-exam urination fun, but no. They...they were finished. I looked down at my half done essay and thought HOW?!? How the actual fuck?! I grew more confused as afterwards lots of people started to leave and I was still working on the introduction for my second essay. I managed to deal with it in my American lit exam, but in my French exam (WHICH WAS AT 7-10pm - probably causing my irrational reaction) people started to leave when I was 2/3 through my 1st essay I started to tear up a little. It was one of the first experiences where I really didn't feel like I belonged in this country. Either Canadians are the fastest writers known to man, or they are morons. Or they are moronic robots. Either way, it was surreal. In Exeter people were writing up until the last second where they said pens down and faces turned pale as they left their unfinished sentences looked up at them mockingly. Here, if you are there are the end of the exam it is just you, the professor and a couple of balls of tumbleweed. 

Luckily after that the ordeal was over and I could finally indulge in exciting activities like crisp shopping and hoovering the floor. Which meant having the regular discussion "Hoover vs Vacuum Cleaner" which is always a delight. That is one good thing about being British. If you aren't really in the mood for having an actual thoughtful conversation you can just roll out the British English vs North American English routine and you are set for hours. 

After all the exciting stuff was done I decided that I needed some downtime so I hit the road and headed over to Toronto to meet the sister. Toronto was nice and our hostel was nice on the inside. I was a bit concerned as I headed down the street to find it as the buildings that weren't kebab and pita places were all mental hospitals or mental research centres. I also met many people on the street who looked like they were probably one a day out from said places. A particular favourite was a man in a park who was just grooving on down to the sound of nature for 5 minutes straight. We were kindred spirits. 

I lived the life of luxury those few days. I ate breakfast in the mornings, woke up before midday and slept in a double bed. It was immense. It is kind of depressing how excited I was to sleep in a double bed, especially since a double bed is wasted on me anyway. I just curl up in the corner anyway like the foetus I wish I still was. 

We did occasionally treat ourselves and leave the hostel. We walked around Toronto and saw the sights. We went up the CN tower which was pretty viewy. We also went on the simulator ride though called the 'Himalamazon' ride where we followed the journey of a super tree log through forests, caves and crocodile infested waters. Needless to say it was the ride of my life. Although, I couldn't quite figure out what this ride was doing at the CN tower, but you know I escaped the simulated crocodiles with all my limbs in tact so I shouldn't complain too much. We also went to Niagara Falls which was nice, if not a little bit closed. The waterfall is definitely by far the nicest bit. Actually...it is the only nice bit. We arrived at the bus station and the majority of the windows were smashed up and the buildings around it were pretty desolate. Also, as I sit here typing staring at my Canada Maple leaf hat and wearing a t-shirt with my study groups slogan from last year on it, I have to say that Niagara Falls is a bit too tacky. I understand that they need to tourist it up a bit, but I don't understand why anybody would go to Niagara Falls look at the waterfall go "wow. This is beautiful and unlike anything I've ever seen before...the only thing that could top this day of would be to go the Waxwork museum of Rock music." We weren't so touristy and uncultured to do such things, so instead we took the mature route and played glow in the dark galaxy themed mini-golf - the way God intended it to be. 

Anyway, I think I've whipped you folks up into a coma for long enough for one night so I shall save the  return to Ottawa and the great Floridian oven disaster of 2011 for another night. No. Really. No more tonight children. You must get off to bed. 

Ok. Fine. Here is a little hint of what is to come: 

Welcome to 2012. 

Katharine C. Stewart. 


  1. I am the russian, you diz a naiz jab

  2. oh shit. I forgot Rotterdam was annexed by Russia.